"Makers of fine coats."

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Feb 1, 2010 10:24pm
If you’re interested, I would happily come over to your house and read the book to you for half that.

If you’re interested, I would happily come over to your house and read the book to you for half that.

Jan 28, 2010 11:46am

“I imagine you’ve seen quite a few bananafish in your day,” the young man said.

Sybil shook her head.

“You haven’t? Where do you live, anyway?”

“I don’t know,” said Sybil.

“Sure you know. You must know. Sharon Lipschutz knows where she lives and she’s only three and a half.”

Sybil stopped walking and yanked her hand away from him. She picked up an ordinary beach shell and looked at it with elaborate interest. She threw it down. “Whirly Wood, Connecticut,” she said, and resumed walking, stomach foremost.

“Whirly Wood, Connecticut,” said the young man. “Is that anywhere near Whirly Wood, Connecticut, by any chance?”

Sybil looked at him. “That’s where I live,” she said impatiently. “I live in Whirly Wood, Connecticut.” She ran a few steps ahead of him, caught up her left foot in her left hand, and hopped two or three times.

“You have no idea how clear that makes everything,” the young man said.

Sybil released her foot. “Did you read `Little Black Sambo’?” she said.

“It’s very funny you ask me that,” he said. “It so happens I just finished reading it last night.” He reached down and took back Sybil’s hand. “What did you think of it?” he asked her.

“Did the tigers run all around that tree?”

“I thought they’d never stop. I never saw so many tigers.”

“There were only six,” Sybil said.

“Only six!” said the young man. “Do you call that only?”

“Do you like wax?” Sybil asked.

“Do I like what?” asked the young man. “Wax.”

“Very much. Don’t you?”

Sybil nodded. “Do you like olives?” she asked.

“Olives—yes. Olives and wax. I never go anyplace without ‘em.”

“Do you like Sharon Lipschutz?” Sybil asked.

“Yes. Yes, I do,” said the young man. “What I like particularly about her is that she never does anything mean to little dogs in the lobby of the hotel. That little toy bull that belongs to that lady from Canada, for instance. You probably won’t believe this, but some little girls like to poke that little dog with balloon sticks. Sharon doesn’t. She’s never mean or unkind. That’s why I like her so much.”

Sybil was silent.

“I like to chew candles,” she said finally.

“Who doesn’t?” said the young man, getting his feet wet. “Wow! It’s cold.” He dropped the rubber float on its back. “No, wait just a second, Sybil. Wait’ll we get out a little bit.”

They waded out till the water was up to Sybil’s waist. Then the young man picked her up and laid her down on her stomach on the float.

“Don’t you ever wear a bathing cap or anything?” he asked.

“Don’t let go,” Sybil ordered. “You hold me, now.”

“Miss Carpenter. Please. I know my business,” the young man said. “You just keep your eyes open for any bananafish. This is a perfect day for bananafish.”

“I don’t see any,” Sybil said.

“That’s understandable. Their habits are very peculiar.” He kept pushing the float. The water was not quite up to his chest. “They lead a very tragic life,” he said. “You know what they do, Sybil?”

She shook her head.

“Well, they swim into a hole where there’s a lot of bananas. They’re very ordinary-looking fish when they swim in. But once they get in, they behave like pigs. Why, I’ve known some bananafish to swim into a banana hole and eat as many as seventy-eight bananas.” He edged the float and its passenger a foot closer to the horizon. “Naturally, after that they’re so fat they can’t get out of the hole again. Can’t fit through the door.”

“Not too far out,” Sybil said. “What happens to them?”

“What happens to who?”

“The bananafish.”

“Oh, you mean after they eat so many bananas they can’t get out of the banana hole?”

“Yes,” said Sybil.

“Well, I hate to tell you, Sybil. They die.”

“Why?” asked Sybil.

“Well, they get banana fever. It’s a terrible disease.”

“Here comes a wave,” Sybil said nervously.

“We’ll ignore it. We’ll snub it,” said the young man. “Two snobs.” He took Sybil’s ankles in his hands and pressed down and forward. The float nosed over the top of the wave. The water soaked Sybil’s blond hair, but her scream was full of pleasure.

With her hand, when the float was level again, she wiped away a flat, wet band of hair from her eyes, and reported, “I just saw one.”

“Saw what, my love?”

“A bananafish.”

“My God, no!” said the young man. “Did he have any bananas in his mouth?”

“Yes,” said Sybil. “Six.”

The young man suddenly picked up one of Sybil’s wet feet, which were drooping over the end of the float, and kissed the arch.

“Hey!” said the owner of the foot, turning around.

“Hey, yourself We’re going in now. You had enough?”

“No!”

“Sorry,” he said, and pushed the float toward shore until Sybil got off it. He carried it the rest of the way.

“Goodbye,” said Sybil, and ran without regret in the direction of the hotel.

- From “A Perfect Day for Bananafish” which, as far as I’m concerned, is a perfect short story.
Jan 23, 2010 9:39am
Oddly the grammar was the most thought out part of this rhetorical question. The Tonight Show with Lisa Bonet. Sure, whatever, she should gets shows.

Oddly the grammar was the most thought out part of this rhetorical question. The Tonight Show with Lisa Bonet. Sure, whatever, she should gets shows.

Jan 23, 2010 1:13am
Jan 22, 2010 4:37pm

Hey, do you want to see a film of my circumcision? No?

From the Department of Why Would Anybody Choose to Film This, here is a home movie of my bris. While there’s nothing graphic in this video, you will see the most judicious use of a jump cut in the history of cinema. Am I right, people?

Fun fact, the man doing the cutting is the brother of comedian Jackie Mason.

Ouch!

Jackie Mason uses the comedic devise of hyperbole to demonstrate how much his brother took off. No Jackie, that’s ridiculous. I was just a baby.

He did it!

“He did it!”

Jan 18, 2010 11:14pm
Blood orange sorbet from scratch. What did you do with your rainy Monday?

Blood orange sorbet from scratch. What did you do with your rainy Monday?

Jan 11, 2010 1:51pm

Tommy and the Cool Mule Redux

For those who watched and chuckled knowingly at the “Is this a real thing?” absurdity when the “Tommy and the Cool Mule” trailer was making the rounds last year but haven’t actually sat down and watched the movie, well, you’re missing out on these great things:

  • The character of Tommy’s sister spends every scene of the movie eluding to a passing desire to get a tattoo, something she never gets nor seems to want that much.
  • Kevin Sorbo spends every scene wearing a shirt that doesn’t fit him.  This is true of the shirts of almost every character, but Kevin Sorbo in particular.  The kids all wear shorts by the skateboard brand “Element,” because what better way to get the word out to bad ass skaters than a shitty Christian talking animal movie.
  • Kevin Sorbo’s character is the villain despite the fact that his interest seems to be buying the house of Tommy and his family for a fair market value before the bank forecloses on it for non-payment.  Also, he gives Tommy a mule for free and invites him to his son’s birthday party and has a crush on Tommy’s widowed mom who he is very polite to.
  • There is an increasing lack of knowledge about how to edit a movie as it goes on as characters repeat the same statements over and over, mostly about how the rodeo doesn’t require a horse, you can be on any animal, including a mule, but also a camel (there are no camels.)  There is a really fast paced exciting scene where Tommy hands in an application for the rodeo and the editor felt it was important to keep an exchange at the end of the scene where he asks if all he has to do is turn in the application and the guy behind the desk says, yes, that’s all you have to do.  There is nothing else for him to do, just hand in the application.  They left all that in.
  • It’s an awful, awful movie.
  • There is a reference to how special it is to ride a mule because a great man—Jesus—rode a donkey.  But the flaw in that logic is that a mule is just as much a donkey as it is a horse and almost every person in world history rode a horse at one point, like Hitler and Genghis Khan So, what’s the fucking point?
  • Ice-T as a jive talking mule, is more racist in larger doses than previously imagined.
  • The young female love interest seemingly spends an entire scene staring bewildered at her hand.
  • Tommy is supposedly able to hear the mule talk because he gets hit on the head, but then other kids can hear the mule talk and they didn’t get hit on the head.  There are a few logic problems in “Tommy and the Cool Mule.”
  • The fast paced rodeo scene in the end features kids on horses (and one kid on a mule) riding slowly past men with stopwatches and walkie talkies for ten minutes each.  I was at the edge of my seat wondering what those people with walkie-talkies were thinking.
  • Tommy wins the rodeo (spoiler) and his winnings go to saving his house, something they could’ve sold at any point and moved to some place they could afford.  Point being, Tommy’s mother keeps his check though she doesn’t seem to have a job or any plan to not lose the house again and she could’ve used that money towards his college or something. Instead she also decides to blow some of the money and a big celebratory party that they manage to set up despite not realizing that Kevin Sorbo has been hiding out in their bathroom the whole time.  Did no one have to go to the bathroom during the entire party set-up?
  • Also, a mule’s ability to talk doesn’t seem like it should have any correlation towards his ability to do well in a rodeo.
Jan 5, 2010 6:10pm
Jan 5, 2010 5:41pm

My Parents Do the News (Part 1)

While I was home recently, my parents proceeded to (try to) tell me a story.  Both started in the middle, gave very few details, assumed I knew enough about the story already to the point that they probably didn’t even have to tell it in the first place and kept telling each other that they were telling it wrong.  Allis wondered aloud what it would be like if my parents did the news.  I would inevitably have to also be sitting at the anchor desk in order to move them along a bit.

Here they are covering the recent airline terror attack:

MOM
Did you hear about the guy?


DAD
Which one?


MOM
You know, the one.  That guy.


DAD
David, did you hear about the guy?


MOM
He had it in his lap.


DAD
You’re not telling it right.


MOM
You tell it.


DAD
He had it in his lap.


ME
What are you talking about?


MOM
It was in his lap.


ME
What was in whose lap?


DAD
It was on the plane.


MOM
Where were they going?


DAD
Well they were going to Detroit.


ME
What are you talking about?


MOM
The guy in Detroit.


DAD
On his lap.

Jan 5, 2010 5:27pm
For reasons I can’t quite put my finger on, this is weird.
Also, as a Chevy Chase/music side note, because at the time when the song “You Can Call Me Al” came out I had no idea what Art Garfunkel looked like apart from being aware that he was much taller than Paul Simon, I wasn’t sure if it was Chevy Chase in the video or Garfunkel just looked like Chevy Chase.  As it turns out, they’re both tall.

For reasons I can’t quite put my finger on, this is weird.

Also, as a Chevy Chase/music side note, because at the time when the song “You Can Call Me Al” came out I had no idea what Art Garfunkel looked like apart from being aware that he was much taller than Paul Simon, I wasn’t sure if it was Chevy Chase in the video or Garfunkel just looked like Chevy Chase.  As it turns out, they’re both tall.

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